New tack

Seeing as how none of you people (I assume this site receives 20,000 unique views a day, and that's my conservative guess) have any good stories about Joel--see post immediately below--I've decided to switch to a new strategy to get comments.

I want to get some new nicknames for Joel Graves. As a disclaimer, I am not a big nickname guy. I think they are great, but I am intellectually lazy, and never have the stamina or wherewithall to sit around and think up nicknames for people.

But I'm different when it comes to Joel. You see, when Joel was a youngster, we started calling him Judge Judith Sheindlin. This was in Judge Judy's halcyon days, when people actually watched her mete out vengeful justice on whichever white trash party in front of her seemed more repugnant morally. Maybe they still do; I have a job now, and don't watch her anymore. Most of my generalizations about humanity are just saying things I do, but prefacing them with the word 'everyone', or sometimes 'no one.' So "I don't watch Judge Judy anymore" becomes "No one watches Judge Judy anymore." "I am a huge Seattle sports fan" turns into "everyone is a huge Seattle sports fan," a proposition provably false. As a side note, this is what most op-ed columnists do.

Anyway, we called Joel Judge Judith Scheindlin. That started getting prolix, so we shortened it to Judge Judy. After a while, even that go hard to say, so it became simply Judy. This whole thing was a lot more tolerable for Joel (which is not to say it was very tolerable at all) when it was Judge Judy, because being called a girl's didn't have quite the same ring without the word Judge in front. So we shortened it to Jude.

I (Paul, Joel's older brother) have been calling Joel Jude for around a decade, but I need something new. As Joel enters his manhood, it's time we all got together and brainstormed some new nicknames for Joel. Just add your suggestion to the comments.